So and so and so and so sitting in a tree…

9 Jan

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While I’m well aware there are also lots of other fancy reasons they’ve have failed, has anyone else been sabotaging their relationships from a place of ‘this is distracting me from my momentum! My life isn’t ‘exactly the same enough’ as it was before I had a partner! I feel like spending my time with my partner rather than doing other things or seeing other people! OH NOES! I CAN SEE IT NOW! CO-DEPENDENCE! INSECURITY! I AM CLEARLY MAKING UNHEALTHY CHOICES!!!’??

What about… Of-fucking-COURSE you’re distracted? Things that are new are distracting. I don’t get all worked up about being distracted from my life by being in a new band or making a great new friend or starting an exciting new project – I think wooo! I’m passionate about something/someone and feel like something is worth my time and energy! Yay me!’ This is not to say that if you feel that you NEED someone to prove that you are lovable or some project to prove that you are superfly and talented that you’re not in for a whole whack of ouch – Or that letting any one thing take over your life for too long is good for your mental health – But I put forward that all projects, of which relationships also are – take space, prioritization, time and energy to get off the ground so they can be standing on a solid foundation. Also, it’s not likely you’re going to be perfect at loving yourself all the time. It’s pretty lofty to expect that at all times all aspects of being in any situation are ‘perfectly healthy’. I’d argue that this awareness doesn’t mean you’re an idiot for going after what you want anyways. What I’m seems more accurate is that if you strike a combo of brutally, compassionate honest with yourself and others about your feelings – Learning to say no, hear no and ask for what you want without belittling yourself or others for what feels true to you, or putting forward your desires as demands – learning to forgive yourself and others when you completely fail at that – and come to understand that words are completely inadequate and all the communication courses in the world won’t protect you from being misunderstood without listening to intuition and feeling rather than just what’s being said – As well as adding in a healthy dash of playful awareness about ‘can’t ever know anything for sure, we all die in the end and can’t take nothin’ or no one with us’ – that most things in life become a ground for serious healing, growth and learning – That suddenly it seems all needs can be met – That even if you still ARE being needy and insecure, if you can talk about it and take responsibility for yourself it’s much more likely you’ll be able to move through it with someone in a way that involves minimal suffering – And maximum growth – for both of you. It also becomes a lot easier to see when walking away is the thing to do.

I don’t want to base my choices around a lack of trust in my ability to make choices any more – And I don’t want to have any more shame about how important it is to me to have a partner to share my life with – Yes, I KNOW I don’t ‘need’ one – I don’t ‘need’ costumes, or musical instruments either but goddamnit, I love having them and I’m going to make an effort to keep having them while also keeping the fact that I don’t need them in my back pocket in case I can’t have them at some point. But thinking that to prioritize romantic love – that to bend myself a little for it – make allowances for it like I do for EVERY SINGLE PERSON AND THING IN MY LIFE THAT IS IMPORTANT TO ME means weakness – Means neediness – Well, that’s just a big ol’ sack of being alone forever. Which again, will be fine if those are to be my cards – I can work with pretty much anything as anyone can, we humans are really adaptable – But I don’t HAVE to choose those cards. You can be autonomous, independent AND flexible. I’ve got pain and bullshit to deal with which will come up over and over again until I move through it with – or without – someone. That much is clear. Sure, it’s important to be alone for a while and face yourself rather than bouncing between relationships but folks, if you’re feeling shitty cause you think the only way to get the relationship you want is to get to a point where you don’t want one – Unless, of course it floats effortlessly into your lap, barely making a whisper and changing nothing about your life – What you’re really saying is that you don’t want a relationship. So if you do.. You might want to reconsider the story you’re telling yourself.
 Yep, me, guess what? We have a new boyfriend, and you’re going to have to get used it. We super like him lots. We totally might break up, cause that’s a thing that happens until it doesn’t even when you feel super sure it won’t. But we’re super excited about him and not going to pretend we’re not, no matter how scared we are. I might be super distracted by him while we explore being together for the first while, and I’m sorry to my friends for that. But it won’t be forever, I still love them, I’m not sorry about it in general – And I’m not going to pretend he isn’t a high priority to me. As a ‘modern woman’ who respects herself and blah blah all that good stuff that is still important, I know I don’t ‘need a man’ but I share this because I know there are a lot of other women out there who shame themselves for wanting one. I’m here to say – THAT’S STUPID. Lets get over it, guys. Love you.

Oh hey there..

9 Jan

Well, I guess I didn’t keep posting Tuesdays, did I? What can I say, I sometimes struggle with commitment. But.. Apparently I’m writing again.

God, so much has happened in the past two years.. It’s really hard to believe it’s only been that long. It’s incredibly heart-warming reading back through this blog and seeing that a lot of what I was trying to work on and let go of has now become stuff that I am actually able to live in real time – And that I don’t completely disagree with most of the shit I said!

Brief update about my life:
Being in my hometown got harder and harder for a while. I fell head over heels in love with a man who had 2 young children and got to experience what I would imagine is as close to what being a mom feels like as you can feel within such a short period – I fell head over heels in love with his two children. He was a facilitator of a particular kind of psychedelics exploration. I’d met people who’d been positively changed by his work, and though I’d stopped doing drugs I sat with it and decided that I thought it would be helpful to me. I experienced a violent, unfathomable hell I can never unsee and proceeded to have the biggest mental break down of my entire life for months. I’m talking tooth-paste-sandwhich crazy. I couldn’t be left alone for more than a few minutes for days, I spoke in weird voices, I saw things, I couldn’t leave the house. I permanently have a vastly new interpretation of ‘reality’ and ‘life’ and get all kinds of strange, other worldly intuitions to this day. I suddenly had access to an incredible wealth of resources I had no idea were in me. I’d write shockingly helpful letters to myself and others about how to best care for me and handle what was happening without any real sense of what I was saying or that they were coming from me. I’d stand on one foot, hold ice cubes and put a lemon wedge in my mouth to try and pull me into all my senses. I lost the three people I thought were my real family and the loves of my life to this experience. I’d planned to marry my partner, raise his kids and split half time with him in the tropics and half in the city. The relationship couldn’t survive the trauma – My breakdown triggered one for him and utterly destroyed what was between us. I would cry uncontrollably for hours – Though still not suicidal, because after my experiences I’ve got a bunch of pretty out there beliefs around why that wouldn’t solve anything for me. I hid at my mother’s and threw up every day. I cut most of my hair off for the first time. We became really close. I spent hours cuddling cats at the local animal rescue and it helped. Things I’ve struggled with my whole life began to fall away just as suddenly as everything else. I took myself, alone, voluntarily to get blood work done barely batting an eye after having to have been held down and screaming bloody murder any time I was face with needles my whole life. I started to experience brief periods of feeling extremely present, calm and could concisely express myself in a way that other people responded to dramatically. I am still scared somewhat often – Terribly scared, sometimes, but usually around things that were buried much, much deeper. I became celibate for six months – Terrified of men, and sex for a lot of it. I became closer with, then utterly isolated from, and then closer again than I ever imagined I could be with a plethora of people in my life. I started to come out of it. I meditated and did weird rituals that came to me seemingly out of nowhere.

The most important lesson I feel I learned and feel compelled to pass on is that everything is kind of tension in release – Crap can build up and fill a huge balloon full of repressed pain if you don’t know how to let it out. You can let it you by popping it aggressively with things like drugs – But this method is an incredibly devastating short cut and no matter how much experience you have with psychadellics or how confident you are – you have NO idea what you might be asking for. And take it from me, I’m incredibly grateful for all of the gifts I’ve come to receive through this experience – But learn your lessons gently. That shit is like getting cancer or surviving a car crash – Sure, it can be life changing for the positive, but you don’t need to seek out trauma. Meditation, bio-kinetic release, counselling, more than anything learning to play – These are ways of taking baby steps into your dark corners and letting the pain that’s built up in the balloon out in manageable amounts that don’t cost you everything. I was incredibly scared I would never come out of it. I know of people who haven’t and spend the rest of their days screaming in agony, locked up in mental institutions. So please, be gentle.

Warnings made clear – I am absolutely NOT advocating the use of any substance to try and ‘open yourself up’, even though I’d had good experiences previously with lesser things, I am in an incredibly good place now and couldn’t be more grateful. Every day I build more and more resilience to staring down the things that scare me most and having acceptance around them – I can feel it, and the way my life is happening around me makes that clear for me too. I did a photo shoot in a bikini! I took clown school! Not big shoes, red knows clown – I’ll get more into what it means later – But it was an unbelievably healing experience and helped me enormously in metabolizing all the super weird stuff I’d been experiencing. I joined the circus briefly, kind of. I am able to organize – budget – commit to things – In a way that is still perhaps not impressive in terms of comparison to a lot of other people, but is like night and day for me. I have my singing voice back, I’ve been finding real joy in music and art off and on again – And all kinds of in love again, already somehow, unexpectedly with a really close old friend in a way that feels less dramatic and more sustainable than anything I’ve been involved in yet. When I’m not panicking about it I am as oddly calm and pragmatic feeling as I am excited about him, even though it’s still quite new and I take it with a grain of salt. I feel more seen, heard, loved, respected, wanted, trusting, trusted and met intellectually, sexually and emotionally by him than I think I’ve ever felt with anyone, at least simultaneously – even though there are definitely things I don’t like about him. And.. Like maybe I’m getting close to having the career, relationship with friends, lovers and family, and life I’ve always fantasized about (in fact, in a long list of ways, I already do) – While also being able to enjoy the journey and having much more peace around letting things be whatever they will, including if I just end up alone not much changing. More and more often, I have moments of feeling deeply content. I’m grateful but as my boyfriend puts it – No one gave this to you. You worked fucking hard for this. I did. But it doesn’t have to be so hard and it’s my mission in life to save others the trouble.

I’m not going to make any promises about when I’ll write, but I do think I’ll write and feel quite sure that at some point I have a book in me again – I’ve started it a few times. There’s lots of back logged stuff from the past couple of years I could potentially post. We’ll see. Happy to have remembered this space, curious to see if it gets noticed. Even if no one is reading, I’m still going to write to you cause writing to someone makes it easier to keep writing. Hope you’ve all been well.

What?

27 Dec

It’s six am. I woke up at four and couldn’t get back to sleep. I’ve been going through a hard time again. I feel like I’ve made so much progress in the past year and can read back on some of my previous posts and remember being so happy but right now I’m not. I’m exhausted, scared, lonely, doing things I feel like I know aren’t entirely for the right reasons and doing them anyways. It’s really hard staring into the face of ‘oh yea, just cause I was feeling good for a while doesn’t mean life wouldn’t be challenging again and that all my problems are eradicated.’ I bit of a ton when I was feeling good and the chewing it part is .. Well, trying. For me, every struggle I’m realizing seems to be tied into having low energy. When I have energy, I’m pretty good at tackling most things but when I feel like I have lately the little amount of energy i have is nearly completely expended on staying alive and not asleep and there is little room for much else without a lot of stress.

All of that said though I still feel like I am moving forward if I’m really honest with myself. And to take my own goddamn advice (which feels very easy to spew when I’m stoked on life and like a punch in the eyes (You may have noticed this is a favorite metaphor of mine) when things are hard, I’m trying very hard to figure out what learning opportunities I have in feeling this crappy and what horrifying things it’s revealing about me that I clearly needed to be looking at.

But I want to still feel like somehow I’m being helpful, because like any other tiny part of any other system, I work in my own best interest, and it’s actually in my own best interest to make things easier for others.

So first of all I’m gonna share some things I personally find helpful and inspiring in hard times:

Listen to this whole speech: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jy5_XEOxvL0
(I pretty much want to be Tim Minchin. Minus the you know, penis and some other stuff.)

Also check out this page: http://markmanson.net/articles

Meditate with this adorable monk. (If you’ve never meditated watch his instructional videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GSeWdjyr1c

Also here’s an easy craft if you also have roommates who drink a bit too much and don’t take out there empties and you’re feeling too depressed to leave the house but want to do something useful but also very easy: http://seriouslyforreal.com/more/turn-your-beer-bottles-into-glass-cups-5-easy-steps/

Ok so those horrible things about myself I should be looking at..

I’m going to share some for the sake of working on being actually vulnerable without a bunch of conditions:

I just realized I’m not quite at a place where I can not add a caveat.. So first admission I’m always very scared of setting wrong expectations of myself and over explain everything. I don’t want to disappoint people.

So here’s the caveat: I don’t feel all of the following all of the time, I actually do have real confidence about some things, and I am not always being horrible in my head when I talk to people. But never the less…

– I have major self worth issues I like to pretend (and am good at pretending) aren’t there. Especially with men. I feel like I’m only good at sex, emotional support and music and when I’m feeling fucked up about/or not good at anyone of those things I feel lost and like I am not enough for anyone. As I don’t think I’m ‘the best’ at any of those things, this happens more than I’d like.

– I am constantly evaluating whether or not I think I am better than other people and generally nearly always only feel not scared of being open when I think in some way I am better than someone in ways that are important to me, whether it be more ‘open-minded’ (hahaha.. Hilarious, considering, right?), better looking.. And yet, they also need to be ‘better’ than me in ways I find less important, or aspire less to be great at. In turn, if I think someone is better than me at everything I care about, I feel like they’ll never think I’m worth loving. I LOATHE this about myself, and am always so terrified of people finding out I do this that I struggle with ever expressing positive things about myself because I don’t want people to think I’m thinking I’m better than them and because… Intellectually, I firmly believe that everyone is equal. Emotionally, I am scared to have girlfriends I think are hotter than me because then all I focus on when I am around them are the flaws I see in myself. I’ve gotten much more comfortable and confident and don’t do this as much, but I definitely still do it. I’ve been able to admit this to a few people, but can never quite address the question that I know is in the air but doesn’t get asked, so I will here.

“But… Are you thinking these things when interacting with me?”


Yes.
Unfortunately, yes, I am.

That one makes me feel like the worst person in the world and admitting it, even here mostly anonymously on the internet makes me want to throw up a little.  But.. I think it’s important to be honest with others and myself and I am well aware that all of it is just coping mechanisms to deal with fear – Of being forced aware of what I consider to be flaws in myself, especially ones I’m control of changing… And I think working on it involves acknowledging it. I am not saying that justifies it, nor am I going to go around telling people, hey actually I’m not feeling nervous right now cause I think I’m hotter than you even though you play guitar like a maniac and I can’t,” cause that’s mean and not useful for anyone… But I’m here to admit that I’m hyper critical of everyone and myself and I want to learn not to be so much. And I am open to you telling me I am a horrible jerk, but I also hope by admitting this that you take a look at your own feelings. Everyone has horrible feelings sometimes, it’s what we do with them and how we work with them that is important.

– Sometimes I straight up use people because doing things myself feels too hard, even though I could do it myself. And I know I’m doing this but do it anyways if I feel like I can get away with it without hurting them too much.

– I am very lazy and I don’t like doing things that are hard. I have a horrible work ethic. I find this completely humiliating but it’s true. At least when I am exhausted, which unfortunately is a lot of the time. When I have energy I’m one of those annoying people who does all of the things all of the time and every day spent not feeling that way feels like I’m not trying hard enough.

– And last but not least – I edited this post a little because I worried I came off sounding too horrible and sad.

So… There’s an update for ya.

(Other small admission – Part of my reason for telling you guys this stuff I realized re-reading was to get back ‘oh I don’t think you’re a jerk’ replies so I can feel better about myself. BUT as this is the internet I know that’s not always what happens, and I also know, that like everyone, sometimes I am really a jerk and so people pretending I’m not would be feeding a lies I tell myself about never being a jerk. I think its about learning to minimize your jerkiness, figure out where it’s coming from, help it teach you about where to work on yourself and accept that when you give into it there will be consequences and you will have to bloody deal with them and they will suck and that things are still ok and you are still not the worst. I need to be able to feel validated in myself and by my own admission of human-ness which involves a capacity for jerkiness as much as it does compassion.)
(Crap.. Now I have a jerky craving.)

oooo.. and one LAST edit:
I just realized something. Because I cannot see you or know you, dear readers, it means I cannot judge you and try and figure out whether or not I’m better than you. While I am protected by anoniminity, this still provides a place to ACTUALLY just be open for no good reason except to be open! Hey, a super healthy thing! So thanks guys, I really do appreciate your support. I know my readership isn’t huge but it means a lot to me that anyone feels better about their life through me sharing about mine.

Balance Theory

30 Nov

Image

Right so as aforementioned, things are a little bit nuts for me right now. I’ve settled down some thanks to funding coming through for the course I’m taking, but not before getting drunk on my new financial power and going to the mall for something practical but then realizing I needed to leave upon purchasing a shirt with a giant kitten face on it that I clearly didn’t need.

I was at a meditation talk the other day and got thinking about something I like to call ‘balance theory’ . The idea was sort of brought up to me by someone else, who i would credit if I could remember who it was.. But basically it’s that each human starts out with an equal amount of ‘stuffs’ that their personality, or soul or whatever abstract term you want to use can be made out of. So imagine people, to start out are just like uniform blobs of grey clay. You can make pretty much endless different kinds of pots with that clay. While each is very different, if you break’em down they’re made of equal stuff.  Each design will have it’s own limitations, and best uses. The thing is, if you don’t shape a pot properly, it may not hold water. Or it may not be able to stand up.

My idea is that in terms of people, the metaphorical holes and inabilities to stand in the clay pots that are ourselves come from over-specialization and a lack of balance in our lives. For example… I have encountered so very many people who are extremely smart and talented but have no social skills whatsoever, or if they do, can only get so far as the surface stuff and never feel connected with people. They spent they’re childhoods practicing and honing those skills and as adults are incredibly impressive, but didn’t spend time developing themselves emotionally, and so unshockingly, are unbalanced in that way. They get the amazing skills, but at the sacrifice of all that other important stuff to keep the balance.

Take myself, for example. I am a person who’s suffered from extreme sensitivity to everything, panic attacks, depression, ect which has lead to an inability to hold a job a lot of the time, and countless other socially embarrassing things. And it sucks and I spent a long time, and still do sometimes, dreaming about having more obvious visible skills and motivation to get shit done. But at the same time, for all the stuff I didn’t get to have, my emotional state forces me to search and learn to be present and find connection because I don’t know how to just pretend I’m fine and coast through life with wool over my eyes. I thrive or I don’t survive,  basically. The risk of having good coping skills, as the meditation teacher put it, is that you go through life with a body guard – Basically making sure you avoid pain at all costs and never truly experience your experiences. The thing though, is that you can work towards less extremes and generally have an easier time, it all kind of depends on what you’re willing, or can figure out how to, or compulsively sacrifice.

So basically my whole point is this – That everything balances out. It’s not that things are fair, per se, but I do think that each person’s ‘quest for happiness’ or rather ‘personal fulfillment’ is only as complicated as finding my of an equilibrium in their lives. It’s not a matter of being good at everything and being the same as everyone – It’s not like a long thin vase is better than a short, wide pot. It just depends on whether or not you’re looking to hold flowers or eat soup.  It’s a matter of balancing the material of yourself out enough that you can function in a way that works and feels fulfilling, compassionate and connected. Balance out enough to fix the metaphorical holes and inabilities to stand. And I believe that generally, everyone is capable of this. I also think it’s a very useful frame of mind when it comes to comparing yourself to other people and feeling like you’re coming up short. Really put yourself in their shoes and consider what they may have to be sacrificing to get what it is that you want so badly, and what it is that you’re gaining from whatever pain and sorrow is on your plate. In pain there is ALWAYS opportunity to learn and change so take it. There’s good and bad and everything. What you see depends on what you’re looking for.

Excuses…

27 Nov

So.. Clearly I didn’t post yesterday.

All I can say is that I feel like an overwhelmed mess at life, not in bad ways exactly but in enough ways that I’m really struggling with having remotely eloquent ranting skills. Starting school in a week and sleeping with someone new on the reg and lord knows I get nuts enough without those two things, never mind with them. I’ve kinda got to do a bit of self reflection and just generally making space whenever I can where I can meditate… So that means perhaps unreliable blogging times for the next little while.

Pretty much all I feel like doing currently is donning my fluffy monster onesie and painting on my wall in the fetal position for the rest of the day. So… Gonna go do that instead of trying to piece together something to say. But I love you guys. And I will write again. Just don’t want to subject you guys to a bunch of stuttering and whining about things like rain, men, pants and the way cat pee smells cause that’s about what I’ve got in the presses atm.

Ok, hope you’re all well.

How To Win Friends and Influence people (Or better yet, why you should stop trying to be impressive.)

19 Nov

In my near 30 years I have had the privilege of both experiencing being the awkward chubby chick in the over-sized dude clothes that couldn’t so much as speak to people never mind get a date, as well as being the leggy blonde everyone at the party is trying to fuck. I see-saw a lot somewhere between the two most of the time, but what I’ve come to realize is that unless you’re really happy doing what you’re doing and doing it from an honest place of ‘hey, I fucking love doing what I’m doing! I LOVE it regardless of whether or not other people do!’ shit is gonna get hard.

There’s a bunch of reasons. Largely it’s that no matter what you look like comes with stereotypes. People ARE going to judge you based on them in daily life. That’s why it’s so important to remember that ‘you’ needs to not be based on a carefully maintained, fabricated image – So you can survive the judgment and be worth a second look.

While I can cover some of the issues one might face being a chubby tomboy in baggy boys clothes, I feel like folks are less often guilty of idealizing such a way of being. What I think often gets overlooked are the issues with being ‘hot’.

According mainstream media the key to developing a life where sex, money and love are all present involves fancifying yourself. Whether it be makeup, going to the gym till you look like sausage links tied together, driving a sexy car or learning to be THE BEST motherfucker ever at something, to get what you want, we are told, you’ve got to fancify.

And then come the CRIES of the people and accusations of sexism, causing low self esteem, discrimination, elitism, ect echoing all over the internet in protest!! What about BEING YOURSELF!? What about fat people!? What about shy people!? What about people with no money!?

The thing is folks, the media is right.
Yes, if you create a Michelangelo esque work of art of yourself with perfect makeup, a great body and some impressive skills, the money to buy the sexy car and all the sexy sex and attention you want are just more likely to yours. That part isn’t wrong. That shit works on people. I’m not here to pretend it doesn’t.

What I’d like to bring attention you is the kind of people it works on and the difference between striving to be in love with your life and striving to be impressive.

So say you do get a shiny, new sports-car of a bod. You swaddle it with care in clothing that’s tight enough to let people know you`ve got some seriously molest-able goods under the hood, but not so tight that people think you`re a hooker. Your hair shines like the back of an orca breaching in a tropical sunset, and all of the pores on your tight, tanned, flawless skin ooze with bought confidence. Suddenly the world seems a whole lot cuddlier. Everyone wants to be your friend! You get free passes to shows and are greeted with waves and smiles everywhere you go like you’re in Mr.-goddman-Rogers-Neighbourhood!
(If you don’t get that reference, here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mister_Rogers%27_Neighborhood)

People are drawn to others who are happy, healthy, confident and talented people engaged and in love with what they do for reals. That makes sense. That’s sensibly attractive. The problem is that in particular insecure people are also drawn to the illusion of someone being those things. The trouble if you haven’t dealt with your shit and it’s all just an illusion running on motivations to impress is that people will never be able to really know you, and so they’ll technically never be able to really love you, and quite possibly not want to know your or love you if you do somehow let them in eventually because they’ll realize their idea of you was based on a big, fat, fancy LIE. When you’re the shiny things people are told to want lots of, it’s often harder to wade through the people wanting a piece of you for the wrong reasons. You are also not immune to the result of negative stereotyping – Jealousy (I want what you’ve got! Then I would be happy! You’re an asshole!), a lack of empathy (You have problems? Fuck you! You have no idea what problems are you fancy fucker!), assumptions that you’re vapid (well you’re that good looking, clearly you aren’t actually also intelligent), a disheartening amount of people ‘be-friending’ you as a veiled a attempt to ‘be-fucking’ you, using you for your skills/money/whatever. (When you’ve spent your whole life feeling like no one’s ever looked twice at you it’s pretty hard to have empathy when someone is complaining that ‘woes me, everyone wants to fuck me, my life sucks’ but like I said, I’ve gotten to be in both situations before and neither is easy. Taking a minute to really honestly put yourself in the other persons shoes in any situation is a worthwhile pursuit. Problems are relative, folks.)You will come up against that stuff whether you’re impressive by being honest and loving your life or not, but the difference is that when you’re in a good place with yourself it’s easier to see through the crap, handle those situations with respect for yourself and others, have patience, empathy and come out with your brain relatively intact.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say everyone is totally guilty of wanting to impress someone and doing things for that reason (including myself) on a regular basis, but I feel like it’s something we could all really benefit from looking at in ourselves and working on. If you are doing things cause you really care about them and are engaged, people who should be in your life will be impressed as a natural side effect and it won’t matter so much when there are ones that aren’t. The thing with being yourself is that people won’t be disappointed when they get to know you more cause they’ll have seen the real stuff from the beginning. Trust me, being loved for real without the stage show is worth it, and it’s simply more sustainable. At some point you get old and no amount of plastic surgery will keep  your image intact. Might as well find value in yourself that isn’t reliant on that stuff. Making stuff up all the time is fucking exhausting anyways, and apparently causes drug over doses. No one needs that.

Learning to talk smoothly with people should be the result of a desire to openly and honestly connect with them. Getting a jacked bod should be the result of a desire to keep yourself healthy.  If you get a fancy car, be able to freely admit that it’s a frivolous fun something that you don’t really need but are grateful to get to enjoy. And take your poor friends joy riding. Make your style and your hair a fun expression of yourself and play dress-up but remember you ‘aren’t your style’. Just be goddamn grateful for everything and learn that it doesn’t matter if everyone likes you when you’re showing who you really are because the only people that are going to bring real joy to your life will.

Groveling

13 Nov

Dear, sweet readers, I could make a million excuses as to why that I feel represent a legitimate explanation, but regardless of any explanation, I still missed my goddamn Tuesday post this week.

 

I sincerely apologize and am going to commit to backlogging a post or so earlier in this week so this lame crap doesn’t happen again.

Here’s an exercise for today though, to leave with something more interesting than an apology. I use this when I’m feeling blue and struggling with being present and appreciating the moment.

Look around you wherever you are, be it the bus, your house, whatever.

Find the most DISGUSTING thing you can see.

Got it?

ok.

Now spent some time thinking of 5-10 positive things about it.

It’s incredible how you can do this with even dog shit if you open your mind enough. Annnnd hopefully you will be reminded that if you can do it with dog shit, surely you can do it with whatever shit situation life has presented to you, and that everything kind of means nothing until you apply your perceptions to it. Things are less scary from that perspective, and certainly less permanent feeling.